Tinted

When will this waiting be over?
I hate the hope that I have;
It doesn't leave.
And I'm still looking in car windows
Trying to find you.

Will I never be the same again?
In the midst of pain, I'm somehow still looking.
Where are you?

Why do we love?
It's never pure, is it?
Never right, never satisfying.
And I'm still expecting restoration.

Where is the justice?
You were supposed to be here forever,
Never to leave.
And somehow, I can't let you go.

I'm still looking in car windows
Trying to find you.

Coming Toward

If I could touch the hem of his garment
If I could feel myself healed
And not just imagine that I'm enlightened

I'm a barren vineyard
A murderer of hope
And the blood is still on my hands

If I could fall and not break
If he heard me when I called
If he would come when I cried

I'm an unfaithful whore
A broken window
Still lying in pieces on the floor

But if I could just touch the hem
If I could know myself forgiven
If I could look into his eyes

Then...

Joy of My Salvation

Write me a song, you said
A new one, with original inspiration.
I gave you a sonnet
That sang of my broken heart.

But I was unsatisfied.
I strove for remarkable
Yet I gave you uninspired half-truths.

So I wrote you a song
One never heard before
Yet one that had been sung for centuries.

It sang of my salvation;
Of joy unimaginable.

It sang of inspiration
From every corner of the earth.

It sang of Holy fire;
Of sacrifices and miracles.

It sang of death;
And of resurrection.

Remarkable, you said.

Shades of Grey

What is the haze in the distance?
The cloud in reality?
It is impossible to define
Or to conclude
But I'm drawing lines anyway

Weird shapes are forming
Stars of David and Nazi spiders
Contradicting and finding no common ground

What is honesty?
Or is it all shades of grey?
Is choosing to live in the mist
Denying myself
Or denying truth?

Lines in the sand
Writing in the dirt
I don't know what it says
Or what it means

Glass House

I sent you a letter containing 'my beliefs'
That I didn't write
Didn't edit
Didn't care about.

You believed me
Trusted my experience
Obeyed my every suggestion

And where are you now?
In the Hell
I designed to look like Heaven
Reading my letters
Respecting my position

As I sit
In the window,
Watching from behind glass
Other's lives fall apart.

Alone

Lost.
I was alone.
But, I wasn’t.
I had my fears.
Them, and the owl.

I’m sure they didn’t leave me on purpose.
They said they would wait.
It’s true, that they had smiled.
But it was kindness, I’m sure.

Not so.
I am here.
In the dark.
They Always said I had too much of an imagination.
At times I am sure they thought I was crazy.
Just because I could see the truth and they couldn’t.

It was not my fault their hearts were black.
Unable to see the pure.

Yes, I am different.
No, I am not crazy.

I am alone now.
In the dark.
Outside.
They didn’t wait

I suppose I got too strange for them.
I don’t blame them for being what they are, though.
We are all strange.
In some way or another.

It is quiet.
I have never been afraid of the quiet.
But I am afraid of solitude.

It is the first time I haven’t felt His presence.
No one is watching me.
And that thought is scarier than if someone were.

Where do I go?
Nowhere, not now.
I have come to realize,
That I cannot move.
They left me.
All I had in the world.
There is nothing left to protect me.
And I am terrified.

How can I sleep?
How can I not sleep?
Fear, I was abandoned by what I knew and loved.

Crazy?
How can I be?
I saw what they did not.
Yes…and no.

Aren’t they real?
Now I am unsure of what I have known from infancy.
Angels, Demons.
God.

They said I was unnatural.
A mistake of nature.
But I knew, that I was more.

And now?
Rejected.
Left alone in the dark.
Alone (excepting the owl).
With nothing.
Because I was the only one.
Who could really see.
And now…I can’t.

Secret Heart

These secrets in my heart
These forbidden thoughts in my head
I hate that he can never know
Never fully understand.

I still love
I still hope
And I’m still crying out for justice
But these secrets
They can only be mine

This dream I have
This hope of restoration
To ones I left behind
I hate how it’s my secret.

And I still try
Still hold fast to the memories
I still cling to what is no longer mine.

Will these secrets in my heart never dissipate?

Blowing In The Wind

What are you whispering?
I’m straining to hear you…
But your voice is too low.

What was the last thing you said?
My memory must be bad…
‘Cause I just don’t know.

Get near the one who is speaking.
Sit close to the one that matters.
Who matters?
Why should I care?

What is the meaning of life?
And in who is it’s origin?
Listening to the wind…
Are my questions being answered?

Stripper

Emotion
Consternation or Consultation
When will I give in?
How long until the human soul breaks?
My breath is caught within me…
As my own body I give away.
Was this what I assumed it felt like?
My heart no longer beats…
As I run after the love of another.
Should I cater his every need?
Oh, he loves me, no doubt…
Or is there?

Laughing Matters

What is death made of?
And what is life like?
Who stands in between…
On the thin line,
Separating known from unknowable?

Gone…can life be gone?
In an instant,
With no show,
No ceremony…
No goodbye?

What did I do wrong?
What could I have done right?
When will these questions;
Worth only life and death,
Be answered?

Am I truly…left behind?
Never to catch up,
With the one gone on before me?

I don’t want hope
In this surprising time of grief.
All I feel is pain
Where is my relief?

Acceptance With Joy

Time flies when you don’t want it to.
When you were gone,
It was all I could do to try and speed it up.
Where are we going?
How exactly are we getting there?
I keep trying to plan this path out.
But it’s not working so well.
I dread having to miss you again.
We’ve been through so much already,
It’d be nice if it just ended here.
I’m tired of struggling.
Of making alters and laying down my will.
The promise doesn’t seem to get closer.
You are here.
You promised you wouldn’t leave.
But…what if?
I am scared,
I’m admitting now that this confidence is a mask.
Let me lean on you.
Push me up this hill because I’m tired.
It feels cruel now
But in my heart I know its what I need.
Hold my hand.
I need to learn not to push you away.
The Promise that sorrow and suffering
Will transform into peace and joy
Will come to pass in time.
‘Till then teach me to be thy handmaiden;
“Acceptance with Joy”.

Searching

Believe in something
Something of your choice
Something worth believing in
Or not

Bits of truth are flying around
In one ear and out the other
And change is inevitable
But honesty is out there somewhere

I have this semi-positive outlook right now
And I just feel I shouldn't feel this way
I'm resigned to the way things are
I've accepted that they wont change
And it's just not alright

I'm lukewarm
Drowning in this bathtub
That I've confined myself to
And I have no right to feel this way

Lukewarm
With no convictions
No goals
Content the way I am
And I just shouldn't be this way

I've convinced myself that I'm at peace
That this is simple restless serenity
That karma will fix itself
I'm letting go of passion
And It just isn't acceptable

I'm lukewarm
But my temperature is rising
I'm a Phoenix caught underwater
But I see the sun

Tea Party

Drops are falling
I can't tell if they are tears or rain
It's been cloudy
But that isn't new

Inside the house spirits are falling
But all the heads are held high
I guess we all still have our pride

Drops fall
Life continues
And I'm the only one left

Tell me a new story
This is getting old
'Cause inside the house
they're still playing dress-up
But the tea is almost gone

Drops fall
Representing more than they are
Reminding me of souls still shut up
Coming outside requires too much
So they just play pretend

Tears and rain pound on the door
Land on deaf ears
Slide to the floor, forgotten

Life
Still falling

Wildflower

Faded rose color
Within the confines of a bed.
Realizing the imprisonment
of predictability.

Stem's leaves reaching towards the sun
And finding only a lamp,
leaving dissatisfaction
and restlessness.

Wilted by "Nature's" course;
Dead on the inside already.
Water is in abundance
but freedom is beyond grasp.

Faded Rose color
Paled by the truth
That is held against her skin.

Imprisoned in a bed
Without roots to return to.
Malnourished and diseased
With artificial reality.

Faded rose color;
Alive only to those with colored lenses.

Treasure's Pool

Filled with memories
Both happy and sad.
So cool to the touch
So easy to drown in.

Whatever happened to life?
Whatever happened to friends?

Promises mean nothing
When lives are no longer shared,
I guess.

Treasure's Pool is closing.
Wild flowers have wilted away.
Babies have died.
Houses gone to ruin.

What does it matter anyway?

Water is supposed to heal.
But i am afraid to touch it,
For fear of wounds reopened.

When can we openly return
To Treasure's pool?

Rain Water

Symbol of rebirth;
Of renewal;
Of a second chance,

Why am i so afraid?
Why is change,
Considered so evil?

Wash over me...
Let me lie
Until covered with mud,
And Rain Water.

Blood of the Lamb;
Tears of the Father;
Tangible Forgiveness,

Why do i so resist you?
Why is contentment
So undesirable?

Pour over this filth,
Wash me clean
Until i taste no more salt.

Purify my spirit
I ask for Rain.

Looking back
Over lost time
And wasted hours
I sit.

Exhale
Forget to breathe in
Drown
In the shadows under my eyes
And then sit.

Is this worth pondering
Time
And time again?

I strive to attain
Immortality
Or amnesty
At least.

Face forward
With my eyes
Towards the ground
I fall.

Yellow Bean-Bags

I remember long ago
when the world was safe
And quiet
And small.
The afternoons hung thick and warm
And I could go
To my favorite place.
No one could find me
Except my one best friend.
Nothing existed there,
Especially not chores
Or dead cats.
I loved my favorite place
Where we laid on yellow bean-bags
And where the carpet was mostly dirt.
We both knew the pine trees outside
Would never grow very tall.
And it was ok.
And we both knew that our favorite place
was only an old trailer.
But it didn't matter.
I knew we'd always be friends
Laying together on our yellow bags
Talking and arguing.
And we were.
Until one day
My best friend disappeared
together with his bean-bags.
And I realized that dirt
And Pine trees
Weren't enough to hold my life together.